Apology to my Ego
My dear Ego,
I am writing you, because I feel I owe you a big fat apology.
I have come to see that I´ve treated you unfairly. I fed you, or better said I stuffed you, and then, when you became too heavy I blamed you and then I wanted to get rid of you as if you were nothing but a burden. And all this time, you have served me loyally, regardless of what I have made you go through. I´m sorry I have put my whole existence on you to carry. I know you´ve tried. I know you did your best within your own limitations. I´m sorry I expected, or even demanded of you to be immortal. I know by now how this impossible expectation scared you. I know I have kept you in panic with this for centuries-
Im sorry I over- and underestimated you at the same time. I did it because I became completely unaware of myself. I had this fixation on you and I pretended to BE you. It must have been tough for you, but I didn't care. I needed something to hold on to, and you were at hand. And then, when I started to vaguely grasp my own existence I blamed you for my own blindness. It happens with us, unconscious humans, a lot, you see. We love to blame. Something else. Somebody else.
I told you many times that I wasn't myself because you were in the way. “Oh” . I said - “the Ego again. The evil, vicious, selfish ego. It just ruins everything.” And it made me feel better about myself. And you got hurt, and each time you got hurt you tried a little harder. And in the meantime things kept spiralling further and further down into the mess we are in now.
So I thought it was time for me to write you this letter. It is time to set things right. Time to thank you for all you have done for me. You and I - we have seen a lot, and we are not quite done just yet. Thank you for all the experiences we have made so far. Thank you for the memories of the past and thank you for the hopes and dreams about the future. Thank you for keeping my place here, in time, in “reality”, while I need you. I know it´s a privilege.
Thank you for the happiness and also for the sorrow. I couldn't have felt any of those without you.
Without you I could not have this wonderful and terrible human experience now.
I will do my best to treat you at the place you belong to. I wont ask you to be eternal, because I understand you cannot be. I understand now, that eternity is my job, not yours. But please know, that without you, my eternity would be meaningless. Senseless. You make it worth the while, you make it real to me.
Thank you for being so many things! A woman, a mother, a lover, a wife, a pupil, a teacher, a cook, a marketing-something-something, a photographer, a child, a memory, a nobody, a somebody and so many more things. I enjoy all of them. Well, not always. Sometimes I suffer because of them. But isn't it blissful that way?
From now on, I intend to treasure you, to take care of you and I promise I won´t overburden you anymore with impossible expectations.
I wont abuse you by feeding you more than needed. I wont step on you when I realise I was blind for myself.
You will be at the place, that is rightfully yours.
I will carry you within me there.